I know I have not done a lot of updating in the past year via The B.R.O.A.D. blog or FB page. I feel that The B.R.O.A.D. journey has lost its luster to the public, yet it is a journey that continues to envelop my life. Since my lawsuit was dismissed in early 2017, I have in a lot of ways lost hope. I’m nearly 47 years old and have great trouble in seeing a bright future. Folks see my travels and they think I live a charmed life. Blessed yes, charmed no! Folks don’t realize that I camp cheaper than I can rent. With nearly $1M in medical debt, I will soon file bankruptcy and have to begin another rebuilding process. My disability provides me enough to manage my standard expenses and to have somewhat of a life, but no chance at saving. My business is growing but that’s a double-edged sword. I used to be the only one doing the real work and I actually made money at it. Now there’s too much work to do alone and I pay others, meaning I make nearly nothing. I have not paid myself in so long I can’t recall. My work, my contractors, and my clients give me a source of pride and accomplishment, despite the reduced income. It makes me feel a sense of worth beyond dollars, but dollars are required to meet our needs – not to be confused with our wants.
I have made choices that have brought me great peace and great joy. I have made choices that have brought me great pain and great anxiety. With every new challenge, I try hard to find the positive even if it’s only the fact that I’m alive to try again. My mind beats me up so often and I don’t always know which of my options is the best fit. Currently, I am weighing a new set of options. For my own sanity and structure, I must find a ‘home base’. I come back to Illinois time and again because #1 – my son is here. He is grown, has a life, a girl, a job, his own challenges, and I don’t see him much when I’m here. The climate in Illinois is not beneficial to my body or my soul. Despite the people here that love me; this state has never felt like home. It’s most likely that sooner than later, I will take up residence in a southern state. My goal is to find a place I can call my own, a place where I can find and commit to counseling, a place with friends so I am not alone, and a place where I can commit to improving my walk of faith. So far, the only thing that makes any sense is Florida. I have analyzed over and over; it’s the only place I can think of that has a little of everything I need. Dare I say, I’m praying hard on one option in particular; living close to my retirees and my extended Rider’s Claw family near Leesburg, FL. I have several good friends within arm’s length of there and even friends within a couple hours of there.
I have been helped in so many ways by so many people, known and unknown. I can never repay the financial help from folks nor the medical bills destroying the hard work I’ve accomplished over past years. It used to be funny to tell people I was homeless by choice, but now that it’s for real, it’s not funny anymore. Friends say I’m never homeless because so many offer me a place to stay. The fact is, I cannot soak off friends forever – I nor they would last long at that. And no matter what kind of help people provide, another fact remains that I must find and execute a way to once again be fully self-sufficient and improve the life I still get to live.
I so often think, “What did I do to deserve this tragedy? What did I do to deserve these blessings?” There are no concrete answers to these questions and I know I have to work harder to heal my mind, to improve my faith, and to simply be thankful. Everybody that follows me on social media knows that I try hard to be upbeat, funny, and strong. The truth is, I simply don’t put all the battles on social media and so, I am not telling you all the WHOLE truth. I don’t owe anybody any explanation but yet, I feel an obligation to share for those that love me and help me. Heck – maybe that’s just my own self-centered ploy because I continue to want and need encouragement to keep moving forward.
“It’s very common for those with PTSD to suffer nightmares or flashbacks — a symptom known as re-experiencing — in which the person suddenly and vividly relives the traumatic event in a repetitive manner. Re-experiencing can enter dreams or come on suddenly in waking images or sensations of physical and emotional pain and fear.” No matter what you think about PTSD, I assure you it’s real, it’s scary, and it’s painful. I relive that crash and see myself fading, often wishing I had stayed dead. During times like this it’s almost unbearable; hence the feeling of hopelessness. The only reason I haven’t made the wrong decision to end my suffering is because of PEOPLE! In my worst times of weakness, the one strength that stands above all else is my ability to swallow my pride and call somebody to ask for their ear and their shoulder, just for that moment so I can divert my mind from the worst-case scenario. My greatest blessing in this life is PEOPLE!
The point in today’s post – Honesty, Humility, and Appreciation! No matter your role in my life, whether I’ve met you or not, every person that chose to know or follow me has given me a piece of themselves. For love or for learning, for good or for bad; I appreciate you all and will continue to try and fight for myself to show you that your time has not been wasted on me.
Thank you All ~ Wishing us all Peace and Blessings!