For the Actions of One

Being alive feels mostly dead, and the ifs, whens, and whys fill my head. I battle the days and try to look ahead. When I see that my future will never be same, I try to forgive and not lay blame. But by the actions of one I am forever lame. Was he in a hurry, perhaps for a date? Whatever the reason he ended up late and his hasty decision has sealed my fate. We’ve all made mistakes behind the wheel, some with no consequence and some far too surreal. I wonder if he thinks about me, the damage he’s done that took my leg and my knee. He can still walk and drive his car, but walking for me is in the future by far. I sit in this chair every single day and the dream that I had has faded away. It’s true I’ll get better and walk someday but my mind aches badly with each passing day. I thought I would die laying there in the sun, my body was destroyed and my brain was numb. The driver that hit me came to my side, he held my hand and together we cried. I hope and I pray every single day that my challenge will soon, soon go away. But I know for a fact this will never be done, it will challenge me forever, because of the actions of one. Lucky for him I did not die, I hope that relief isn’t his only sigh. I hope that he’s sorry and smarter today, for his next wrong move could take a life away. So I continue to cry every now and then, just waiting to see when I can walk again. All I want is to stand upright, to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. To go to the fridge for a simple drink takes far more effort than one may think. My emotions are battered beyond my control and this lameness will follow me until I grow old. The thoughts and fears keep me awake at night but I have only one choice and that’s live through the fight. I hope a lesson was learned that day and he realizes from me, what he took away. Driving is a privilege, not a right you see; and can end a life quickly, but thank God not for me. I yearn to ride a motorcycle again someday, but really don’t know if the fear will go away. Don’t take for granted that you can still walk. Don’t take for granted that you can still talk. Don’t take for granted that you can still ride; for so many before me have already died. Drive with caution and with care, don’t make hasty moves – don’t you dare. In the blink of an eye things can go bad, and the destruction that’s left is far worse than just sad.

By: Ursula M Wachowiak

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72 Responses to For the Actions of One

  1. Noreen says:

    Ursula, I just you on last night’s episode of Bike Week America. You are an amazing, caring, loving, giving, beautiful woman, inside and out. I suffer from PTSD, not from an accident, I was raped. The fear never goes away. You inspire me to get out in the world one way or another. I don’t own a car or a bike. But you have just shown me how much determination you have. Also by bringing attention to PTSD, Depression, and Motorcycle Accidents. Now I can truly say, ” one day I will have my freedom back “. I felt your pain, the love you have for your family and your ULRB family. Go wherever God leads you to tell your story….go “NATIONWIDE”. You are giving back so much, and also teaching non motorcyclists, to pay attention to everyone on the road. I’ve been down, but after listening to you, you brought my spirit back and have made me stronger….Thank you so much. You are truly an inspiration.

    From one strong willed redhead to another. Don’t stop, keep paying it forward. It also helps the healing process you are going through. I’m so happy to be able to wish you a ” Happy Birthday “..and tell you how very special you are.

    I suffered from PTSD for 7 years. I am determined to overcome this one day, you as well. I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers.

    HUGS TO YOU!!! xoxoxo

    Sincerely,
    Noreen D. Remington

    • The BROAD says:

      Noreen, thank you so much for watching and for your kind words. I too have been where you are only I was very young. Those details will have to wait for the book because I don’t speak of that very often. PTSD is very real for many folks for many reason. PTSD can manifest in many ways such as depression, self damage, rage, and so on. If you still have breath in you, you owe it to yourself not to let it beat you. And though you owe nobody else, those that care a out you will benefit from having the true you back. I wish you peace and forgiveness in your heart. Hugs!!

  2. Mc7 says:

    I’m about to head out to the Angel City fall rally in a couple of weeks and found your website last week while i was doing a google search for Angel City. I read with great interest, your write up on your visit to Angel City. I was blown away after reading what your site was about. I was then very grief stricken to learn of your accident. That was one hell of an emotional roller coaster i took that day finding this site. I’ve been checking back with great interest. After reading this write up,,,,,,,,I’m just totally speechless……………….My prayers go out to you!

    • The BROAD says:

      Mc… My apologies for such a late reply. Unfortunately I am behind on posts because life has been a roller coaster for me as well, physically and mentally. I am on the upswing and hope to have updates posted very soon. I do hope you subscribed so you will get email notices when I write, then you don’t have to ‘check back’ you will know automatically. I do appreciate you following and your support. I was brought back to life for some secret reason I may never know but I intend to make the best of my after death. I hope you’ll stick around and watch the rest of the journey unfold. This is merely a detour.

      • Jumpstart Jimmy says:

        Ursula you and I share something. We’ve both been at death’s door you due to the accident me due to a heart attack, I was dead 4 times and had a view of the other side. I know the roller coaster as we’ve been on that ride together. There are many days I get really down and spend the day asking and trying to figure out why I was spared and often I can read a positive upbeat post from you and it picks me up. Our experiences change and define the rest of our life, I certainly admire how you are handling the challenge and while I know there are tough days you seem to always pick yourself up and that gives encouragement to so many. You have touched so many people in a positive way and all of us are thankful. Someday we need to share experiences, I find it hard to talk about to people who haven’t been there, I’ve had a couple of experiences since that are deeply moving to me and find them hard to talk about so I’m here if you ever want to talk and likewise know you are there. God bless.
        Jumpstart Jimmy

      • The BROAD says:

        Thanks Jimmy. You have been a great encouragement to me as well with the kind words you always send my way. I thrive on positive energy and though I do get down as you say from time to time, I am fighting my way back. I only croaked once and that was enough to make me know that my after death has to have a bigger purpose. Hugs, U

  3. Susan Freeman says:

    Ursula, I am just now learning about the accident. I saw your new pic on fb, which led me to read your blog. As always, you are a strong-spirited and beautiful woman. It hurt to read what happened and the emotions you expressed. I will be praying for your continued strength, dear classmate.

  4. harleygirl says:

    Earlier this week another Harley-riding friend of mine, Gonzo, sent me an email with a link to your blog. Because I was just returning from wedding #2 of my two daughter’s (within three months!) I did not get the chance to begin reading and following until today. Although I didn’t start at the very beginning I did begin with the month of July and read forward.

    First I would like to say thank you for continuing your written insight to life despite your extreme crisis and suffering. There but for the grace of God go all of us who love life on the road, and you have been kind and gracious enough to share even the hardest and most feared of topics. I have no doubts that your words and story are helping many others.

    I have only traveled across country once, with another biker chick, one of my bff’s. I was not struck by another vehicle but I did meet up with the pavement at 65 mph. I was also lucky enough to survive, and can truly say I was blessed to have landed in the hand of God before being allowed to roll off to the side of the road, essentially unscathed. My wounds were minor as was the majority of the damage to my “baby”. I continued my journey the next day and fixed parts along the remaining 6500 miles before returning home, and by then my bandages and bruises were gone.

    I was actually grounded more by my knee replacement in January 2012 more so than my crash. My surgery and recovery had problems and required a secondary surgery in May of last year. But a month later I was finally able to get back and ride, slowly at first.

    It is not that I am still having serious issues but I have found that this past year I have ridden a lot less. The majority of my riding is alone and I have only done day trips this past year, despite some being nearly 500 miles. It is as though almost losing most of the normal use of my leg (although at no time was my leg itself in jeopardy) took much of the wind out of my sails. I had even priced Trikes prior to my second surgery in case I could never ride normally again. Nothing made me happier than finally getting back on the bike but I feel as though caution guides me more and that is actually quite bothersome.

    Then I read your blog and realized that my problems aren’t worth a hill of beans. Your plight also brought to mind the man I met on a poker run in Las Vegas who road a bike with a sidecar. I have seen many with disability plates on their Trikes and with walking aids such as canes, but this man was in a wheelchair and without the use of both legs. He would lift himself onto the seat of his bike then fold and lift his lightweight chair into the sidecar and ride away. It was obvious to me that he wasn’t going to let anything stand in the way of his ability to still ride.

    Although my medical journey was not as extensive as yours, I do understand the feelings of loss, depression, fear and struggles. They are a normal process of recovery, unfortunately. But I truly feel that it is through this journey that we grow and come out even stronger on the other side. I will continue to follow you and be here for support. Hang in there girl, I know you can and will adapt and overcome!!!

    If you’d like to read about my ride three years ago you can find me on blogspot. Here is the link for that ride: http://tributeride.blogspot.com/2010/08/answer-to-why.html

  5. Robert Pooler says:

    Beautifully written! Had no idea who you were when I gave you a ride around the Bowling Green Harley Davidson Shop in Kentucky. I didn’t pay much attention to the card you gave me until I got home and really looked at it. Looked up the site and started reading, showed my wife the site. As I said to you on the bike and after, heal the mind the rest will follow. It was nice meeting you and your friend. Safe trip.

    • The BROAD says:

      Thank you so much Robert. It was a very good piece of therapy to feel that ride, hear the motor, feel the wind, and see the entire world around you. I knew the moment I got off your bike that I would ride again. I will not say maybe anymore; I will ride again. So be careful I’ll have to come find y’all. Peace, U

  6. Cindy Lou says:

    Unless anyone has walked in your shoes, they cannot understand what you’re going through. You will have good days and bad days and just know there are so many of us that think of you often and with heavy heart. Every time I get on my bike I say a prayer for me and for you.. It won’t be easy my dear friend…. but it will get better…I believe you are here to serve HIS purpose, whatever that may be, he saved you for it! Take care, you’re in my thoughts and prayers often. Much ❤ to you, darling!!! xoxoxo

  7. Robert Barnett says:

    Dear Ursula,
    Shayla is a friend and co-worker. You are in my prayers and have been since the accident. Sorry, but you cannot get off my list! It’s impossible for anyone to really “know what you’re going through”. I do believe we’re not ever alone, and that can be huge comfort. We think of you often and appreciate hearing of your journey……and especially all progress, even baby steps!
    Bob Barnett

  8. Buzz Kanter says:

    My friend Dale Walksler of Wheels Through Time told me about you with great admiration and some fascination about you. I was run over by a large SUV running a red light almost a decade ago. The impact tossed me off the trike I was testing for American Iron Magazine (I am editor-in-chief), ripped up my right ankle and snapped my left rotator cuff clean through. I was unconscious for a while and woke up to a different reality.
    After the surgery and very painful therapy I had to deal with great anxiety every time I approached a traffic intersection. And I did not ride a motorcycle for about a year. But eventually my life normalized. I know your issues are greater than mine but can tell you, no matter how it feels now, your life will become normal too. Give it time and do not give up. – Buzz Kanter

    • The BROAD says:

      Thank you so much Buzz. I appreciate you following along on The BROAD journey. I certainly have had a different view on life since staring death in the face. I rode on the back with a stranger recently and I knew when I got off that bike that I would ride again; NOT maybe – but YES!!

  9. Praying for peace to fill your heart, your mind, and your body. There is no looking back. Believe that all things happen for a reason, even when we can’t understand it. You will find the purpose of all of it eventually, be patient. Let go and let God.
    Stephanie

  10. franck blair says:

    you should talk to my son he get down some times to look up erik blair on face book I think you two will lol understand each other hard thoughts for just to talk about feeling depesset some time about haveing M.D. I think he’d like a freind understanded franck

  11. franck blair says:

    you don’t see it yet but you will one day the fog will be gone and you’ll see clear you be walking driveing it will all be back if you work for it franck p.s. I know

  12. The BROAD says:

    I don’t think my heartache has a price for an ad. I just wanted to express my depression and my difficulty in understanding the WHY ME!!

    • Robert Pooler says:

      Ursula, there really is not an understanding of the “why me” because it was an “unfortunate accident”. Many things happened that day leading up to that particular time and place for both of you. Please do not dwell on the why me and take that bubbly personality of yours and keep “biken”. Big Hugs!!!!

  13. Reid says:

    I changed lanes this morning and heard a loud honk. After all of my preaching it is me that’s the donk. I was tired and my blind did not check. Fortune was mine I did not cause a wreck. I knew better but for an instant I blew it. None would would know I thought. But I had to come clean as a lesson for all to be taught..

  14. Deeann Davis says:

    Damn, girl. That’s hard to read. It’s okay to be sad. Just don’t allow yourself to be blinded to the good things that are still in your life. Wishing you the best.

  15. michael gardner says:

    Does make my own problems seem rather insignificant. Damn but you’re good at tearing me up. Can’t imagine how bad it would be if I’d actually met you. Probably do something stupid and end up in jail. Hang in there babe. The world’s a better place with you in it!

      • michael gardner says:

        Ya know what? I’m sick of all the positive platitudes and I’m not going to apalogize. You’ve been dealt a really shitty hand and been left to deal with it. Pretty Fucked up.Everyone keeps saying you’ll be good in no time, and riding real soon. Don’t recall anyone asking you about it. They just assume.I just came back to riding after 30 +years and even that is enough to scare me. (it seems I’m no longer invincible)After your accident it must be many times worse..I think You probably have big enough balls to do it, if ya want but no -one should assume your choice. If you never rode again it would surely be understandable.Your choice to make . no one else. .Didn’t mean to sound so negative, just trying to see things from your side.You’re a beautiful soul, and woman, One of the hottest ever. (though I confes having a thing about red heads).Remember though, I never heard of you before the accident,and still think you’re one of the most attractive women I’ve ever known. And more every day as you deal with all this bullshit. What a gal!

      • The BROAD says:

        Michael, I really appreciate your candid comment – yep – it’s fucked up, but it is what it is!! After the bought of depression and visit home I knew I had to rearrange my focus; not on the here and now that I cannot control (having no leg to stand on, can’t sleep, etc.), but rather leave those things alone and out of my mind, go on with the day and see ahead what I will do in my personal life, my professional life, and my riding life. And you are right, nobody but I can make those decisions. Peace, U

  16. Roger Treend says:

    This was so beautiful, almost as beautiful as the person who wrote it. My thoughts and prayers have been with you my Dear, along with your pain and suffering that was all to clear. You will recover for there is no doubt and when you do we will all scream and shout. Hope to see you some time soon Ursula be careful and heal well. Much Love, Roger

    • The BROAD says:

      And you my friend know all about the struggles of overcoming such a crash. I am so glad that God had favor on you. It’s not easy to always be strong and I suppose this Nut has finally cracked. I suppose this too shall pass. Big hugs!!

  17. Steve says:

    Well you have done it yet again… You have managed to express what it is your going through in such a special way. I have noticed you have been a bit more silent since your doctor visit, and now I understand why. You have expressed here all the feelings that are racing through you at this time and they are all healthy normal feelings. It is good, and I am sure to a point, healing, to be able to speak of these out loud and get them out in the open. It is normal to be angry, it is normal to be sad, it is normal to feel as you do, beaten down at times and others feeling good and positive. And I know the future is yet so uncertain for you, but there is a future that you are very much a part of and you will find your way back. Of this, I have zero doubt. Like I said before, you are very much entitled to have these down times, these feeling victimized times, these times where the future doesn’t look so bright, it is only human to feel this way, But when all is said and done, as you have posted on your Facebook page cover photo, It comes a time when you have to put your big girl pants on and keep striving forward. I am sure that even though you remain connected to your friends and family here on Facebook, that the geographic distance between you and those that you are so close to, makes things even harder. Yes you have your family and they are great! But I am sure it would be nice to see those familiar faces and to have time to just sit and share with them on a daily basis as you were able to do when you were living here in Chicago. I feel your pain, as you express this despair you have surrounding the future and what it holds. How normal every day actions that we all take for granted are now difficult tasks for you. I am sure as you morph into this new person you are being forced to become, you will find ways to make all of this more natural to you. It will not seem so different and strange as it becomes more routine and you are able to accept this as what it has to be. But you again have shared in such a way that you teach us not to take things for granted, not to be careless or wreckless in our own lives that the norm can be taken away in a heartbeat. This is not only true in riding but also true in every aspect of life. We cannot continue to bound through life carelessly, we must take the time to be good to ourselves and to everyone arouind us because things that are important to us can be gone in an instant. Thanks for sharinbg with us yet again and take the time you need to work this through. You will come out the other side and you will be ok. You have shown us this for quite some time now, Please know we are here to be your support anytime you need it. You are not in this alone. You may message me, call me anytime you just need to vent! God Bless.
    Your friend,
    Steve

    • The BROAD says:

      Thank you for the note Steve. You’ve always been a great follower and supporter. And yes I know it’s natural to feel these things but good god it hurts. And yes, I miss home more now than even when I was riding. Thank you Steve. Hugs!!

  18. Bronwyn Russell says:

    ooooooxxxxxooooxxxooo……you’re in a process….with that you will learn and grow…..and adjust, as you know. Keep the fight, you never know what will happen. Some believe things happen for a reason and if you are one of them, that will come in time. Unfortunately not knowing when and what drives one nuts at times.
    You know the who, what, when and where but the why is just what it is or unanswerable at least right now. We all want to take away the pain and what goes with the situation you’re in, but can’t. You’re alive and will live your dreams once again. Without one knee and lower leg. Go with the process with one who has been in your situation (if you haven’t already). Cry, be mad and every other emotion you need to to get back on your feet. Yes feet. One just different than the other. Some questions might never be answered but it’s okay to ask. In all life’s changes it get’s easier in time. xxxxxxooooooooxxxxxooooo
    Hope this helps from someone you don’t know and wasn’t overboard.

    • The BROAD says:

      Bronwyn, thank you so much for that lovely note and for following along on this difficult, painful, and confusing journey. I know depression and PTSD is to be expected, but I so wanted to be the exception. That is not the case! One can only endure so much before they break. Peace to you.

      • Bronwyn Russell says:

        And breaking is part of recovery, unfortunately… I am on disability due to depression. It’s a roller coaster. Reality bites but it also kisses and makes up.

      • The BROAD says:

        I suppose this too shall pass in due time.

      • Bronwyn Russell says:

        Yes the beginning passes in due time, but, it will always be there. I liken depression to loosing a loved one. It hurts most just after it happens. With time and work it gets more manageable. Some days are better than others. Each person is different and how they go about their recovery is up to them. Knowing options, reaching out (the hardest thing) and being around or in contact with the same people who share the same issues as you will help you the best. Along with your family and friend support system. Drugs, therapy and support groups. These aren’t a life long prescription but ones that will help in the immediate future. As far as the why me question, it’s something I still after almost 10 years of dealing with this ask myself. For me, I won’t know til the very end. At least that’s what I have learned to tell myself so I don’t drive myself too nuts. And my friends! lol…. I do have to say it changes you. But in a good way. You’ll find strength and more than you ever thought you had. Okay, lecture over for now. If you ever want to vent or anything, abronwynr@yahoo.com Take a deep breath. Peace will be with you. Promise.

      • The BROAD says:

        Thank you so much for reply and concern. It sure does change you. You see things far differently yet you are still subject to life’s emotions and struggles. I’m rearranging my focus and trying to look at the end game.

      • Bronwyn Russell says:

        Your “end game” (what ever that is) and I speculate, but I think (if it was me) it’s dealing with life on life’s terms as they are now, and what you can do to improve the situation you are in, now. You can’t look at the end game…..look at what you can do now to move forward….so easy to type and so fucking difficult to execute…day to day shit……Putting pressure on yourself to “get through this” is only not allowing yourself to go through the all the adjustments you have and will go through. I know you’re struggling with the why me thing….and depending on your spiritual or religious beliefs (which might also be changing) is something that takes time and might never have an answer. I guess my point in that is answer the questions you have that you can and have control over now….what to eat, what to do, who to talk to,how much kleenex do I need, where do I go to scream and not be heard, etc…..k.i.s.s. (keep it simple silly)…… Getting the support from people who have been through similar or same situations as yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself. Keep up with the meds, eat, sleep (not too much but only if needed), and talk to people. You know who’s got your back ….use them, that’s what friends are for. They won’t steer you wrong. You have too much on your plate, ask someone to pass the salt instead of reaching for it yourself. I, as well as you, wish I could wave a magical wand and make this all disappear or make it right now, but it’s not life. You’re a tuff broad (no pun intended) and in time you’ll be stronger and better. Hope this helps, I know i”m rambling…. xo

      • Bronwyn Russell says:

        Oh and by the way, no problem, anytime. I hope I’m helping in some way shape and or form. Us biker bitches have to stick together again in one shape or another….lol…..I understand part of your pain but can’t imagine some of it. No need for thanks….we pay it forward.

  19. Skip says:

    Peace be with you!

  20. Timm says:

    stay strong, Ursula. I know if I were the one that hit you i’d be in shambles, being a biker myself. this is something i’m sure will haunt him for all time, if he has any morals. he could have fled the scene but instead he stayed by your side until help arrived. he knows what he’s done. he came to visit you in the hospital. I think this is going to stay with him for a long long time if not forever. what you’re going through right now is one of the toughest things you’ll have to endure. perhaps one day you’ll be able to find the forgiveness, once you’ve recovered, then show it by riding your bike up to his front door! you are truly a strong person to share all this, not to mention a gifted writer. stay strong and the gold will come.

  21. Jim Cowan says:

    Hello Ursula… what a poet. I enjoyed reading and at the same time could sense the pain and suffering that went into it. I’m praying that you are continuing with the rapid rate of recovery you have made in the past several weeks. Keep the mind occupied with anything and everything that interests you so you’re not concentrating on self so much… I know that is not an easy thing to do with what has happened, but anything is possible with God. One step at a time and you can get to where you want to be… I am waiting on joint replacement surgery on both shoulders, and have health issues causing a wait, but actually am looking forward to the day I can use my shoulders normally. I did not mean to downplay your situation by any means, Ursula, just relaying my own thoughts. I know, by what I have read of your writings, that you will continue the fight and finish in top form when all is said and done. Much good Irish luck to you in all you do Ursula.

  22. Terry Rheuark says:

    Oh man Ursula, this really tore at my heart. I know everyone is telling you, “Be Brave” and encouraging you to be strong. Which, just from what I see online, I truly believe you are. BUT! When it comes right down to the nut cuttin, your life won’t ever be the same. You have had something taken away that can never be regained. Because of one simple action, that people do everyday with usually not much thought. Yes, it could have been much worse, but it’s still pretty damn bad. I think we are guilty of taking for granted the simple things. Like waking up in the middle of the night and just popping out of bed to pee. I know that boy never envisioned that the choice he made would impact your life so irreversibly that day. But it did. I pray that it does make him give more consideration to his actions. And maybe we will all give pause for thought. I’m glad you came through it and I will be following your path, God bless you Miss U, I know you will persevere, and it won’t be a cakewalk for sure, but you’re gonna make it. Hugs and know you ate in my prayers. I really have to stop now cause I’m one big ball bag 🙂

  23. Paul H Davis says:

    How profound, Ursala! I am so sorry for your suffering at the hands of someone who didn’t consider his actions that day. Your life has forever been changed, but I remain amazed by your grace, courage, and determination!

  24. Good morning and thank you dear Ursula, that was beautiful and heartfelt.
    Best wishes,
    Mark

  25. Amy Cook says:

    So sorry this happened to you! Hope you get to feeling better mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically real soon.

  26. robert ballard says:

    well said ursula————–pepaw

  27. Lynn says:

    My dear,beautiful friend. Your words once again made the eyes leak, This time though they made me think more than usual. These words may save a life and INSPIRE more people to stop and take a look at what they are blessed with.Our God has blessed us with you and I truly believe you are still here to improve the souls of many. God bless you my sweet beautiful girl. Love you more than words can express but you already know that.

  28. Cheryl Robish says:

    😦 I wish I had words to comfort you my friend. If you need to talk I’m here you have my #. Hang in there and I wish I could hug you right now thru this stupid screen on my desk, I can’t, but know that I am sending those hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love you!!!!!
    Xoxoxo ~ Cheryl

  29. Dang girl this made tears come to this tough Texans eyes. Praying for your complete healing, I’ve admired your attitude through all this and it’s my bet someday you will be riding again. I’m listening to a book called Fully Alive by Ken Davis you may want to check it out. Be well, stay positive!

      • My pleasure. I look forward to the day to actually meet you in person, my travels are erratic and at one time I spent about a week right there in that area of GA, think I mentioned to you we auctioned off a museum at Social Circle. About that time I had other business deals that brought me to GA, I’m our auction companies GA real estate broker and auctioneer but seems it’s been a year or so now since anything brought me that way. Would love it if my wife and I could take the time to jump on the bike and take a long ride and swing through there to see you. Take care and keep that beautiful attitude.

      • The BROAD says:

        I’d love to meet you and your bride. I’m not running away anytime real soon. Peace, U

  30. Shayla says:

    Ursula. There are no words that will make you feel better. I am so sorry you have to deal with this bullshit. It so totally sucks. Being my Mother’s daughter, I am going to keep sending you bake goods to maybe help you feel better. Love you very much

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